A Blatantly Biased Review of East Asian Diaspora Given Names
Sometimes, when the Zoom fatigue hits, or when I really REALLY don’t want to work on my senior thesis, you’ll find me skipping several stages of my life and mulling over what names I want to give my future children. Is this in any way rational? No. Does it provide for entertainment in my times of quarantine boredom? You bet it does.
I’m a partial product of the East Asian diaspora, and over the years, some names have become so synonymous with personalities that the mere utterance of them invokes an entire archetype, bedecked in flannel and hoodies (to my point, if you’re Asian and reading this, you know exactly what name I’m thinking of). On the other hand, some names are chosen because they sound the same in two languages. And some just are chosen for no particular reason. With that in mind, I have decided to review as many common East Asian diaspora names as I can think of on a scale of 1 to 10. My intention here is to review the name purely based on the stereotypes accompanying them, and people that I’ve met with that name. If you feel your name has been misrepresented in this review, I would recommend that you call the Allegheny County Department of Court Records and request a name change petition.
Kevin
If, upon reading “Kevin” just now, the image of a man clad in a denim jacket, black cap and white Vans came to mind, congratulations, you’re from the Bay Area. It’s not your fault. “Kevin Nguyen” has become shorthand for an entire group of aspiring “entrepreneurs” that are responsible for 75 percent of the country’s Hennessy consumption. I’m an East Coast half Asian, and as a result the Asian Kevins I grew up with tended to be into Rubik’s cubes and taking the SAT at age 11. For Bay Area Asians, “Kevin” is no longer a name, it’s a lifestyle. For male-preferring women dating within the Asian diaspora, so much lies upon the question “To Kevin Nguyen or to not Kevin Nguyen”. It’s a question of visceral excitement and inevitable heartbreak versus banality and potential long term stability.
However, like many of the issues concerning the Asian diaspora, I would argue that a purely Bay Area centric approach is detrimental to discourse. The fact is, Kevins, and even Kevin Nguyens can be many things in the real world. Some enjoy John Green videos and Premiere League Soccer, others read Proust and Foucault. Others think it’s a good idea to take the Standardized Aptitude Test at age 11! While I would never name my kid Kevin, if you want to, you should. 7.5/10
Chris
Every Asian Chris I have ever met has been really nice. They’re the types to comment on your distressed private Instagram story asking if you’re alright. They’re into sports or anime, studious, hard working. I know a Chris who’s a musician, one who works at IBM, and one who went to German international school with me and can balance a plate on top of his head (okay, I made that one up). The point is, people named Chris are great. Would I name my kid Chris though? Probably not. 6/10
Daniel/David
These names are so frequently affixed to the last name “Kim” that they are practically synonymous. While these names may bring to mind bible thumping guitar players that listen to Jay Park and drink soju on the down low, I would implore you again to look beyond the stereotypes. There have been many famous and wildly successful David and Daniel Kims, among them, the concertmaster of the Philadelphia Orchestra (David), that guy from Grey’s Anatomy (Daniel Dae), and the venerable Co-editor-in-chief of this very magazine (another David!).
David and Daniel also endow one with special talents, given their biblical namesakes. King David was a musician by trade (See for reference: Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah) and Daniel spent an entire night in a Lion’s den without getting mauled or eaten. What’s clear is this: both, while fairly common, are solid names for potentially successful guys. 7.5/10
Joe/Joseph
Joe’s an interesting one. You get a lot of Japanese kids named “Joe” because it’s easily written in Japanese and English, but “Joseph” is another popular one among the Asian Christian contingent.
Japanese Joes have been really excellent guys in my experience. Comfortable in their masculinity, a great mentor, and genuinely cool and even-keeled. Other Joes have been great too. I’ve found that even if they give off emotionally distant vibes, they can have a soft spot that really endears them to their peers. It’s no wonder, biblical Joseph had to deal with his wife carrying God’s child. In most accounts, he was pretty chill with it. 9/10
Simon
Did I include Simon because it’s MY name? Yes. Is it a sleeper hit among Asian names? You know it is! Simon: from the Hebrew Simien: “he who listens”. If you were to judge Asian Simons based on me, you would call them a bunch of cardigan-wearing loudmouths who like Natsume Sōseki, hiking and baseball. I recognize I’m an outlier. The full Asian guys who share my name tend to be more Alan Turing than Frasier Crane. I’ve found a lot of them enjoy fields like mathematics or Computer Science, but I may be looking at a skewed distribution given that I go to Carnegie Mellon. What’s clear is this: Simon is a wonderful name and if it weren’t mine, I would definitely give it to my kid. 8/10
Andrew
There have been a lot of bad historical Andrews. Andrew Jackson, Andrew Dice Clay, NBA bust Andrew Wiggins. I’m happy to say that most Andrews that I know are cool, and well put together. While I’m not the biggest fan of Andrew Yang, I do think he puts a ton of effort into everything he does. I’ve found that to be consistent among other Andrews within the Asian diaspora.
Sure some might be rough around the edges, some enjoy a good Illenium concert once in a while, but do we not all yearn for those colored neon lights and cathartic beats? Of course, there is the threat of the nickname. It is customary for an Andrew to decide whether to keep his given name, or go by “Andy” or “Drew”. This decision is, in effect, irreversible. Just think of Andy Bernard’s return from anger management in “The Office”. In all honesty, I’m not sure my child would be equipped with the proper skills to determine which of these variants would be right for them, and I would not be at all prepared to give them counsel on such an issue. For that reason, I think I’ll pass on this name, but keep it in your catalog if you like it. 7.5/10
Vivian/Vivienne
As Kevin Ngyuen is to the ABB, Vivian Tran is to the ABG. In fact, Urban Dictionary defines Vivian Tran as “THE abg”. You know that your name has become an archetype when you can put a definite article in front of it.
Given the ubiquity of this name with the “ABG” lifestyle, I want to take this opportunity to examine what we mean when we say ABG. It’s worth pointing out that we’ve given both the ABB and the ABG archetypes Vietnamese last names, when the “Asian Baby” lifestyle is pretty universal among a contingent of West Coast East and Southeast Asians. That’s pretty unfair if you ask me. I also think it’s unfair to shame women for wearing fake lashes, going to raves, and drinking boba. I’ve met women who’ve done all three who don’t fit the ABG archetype. I also don’t think one should expect ABG behavior from someone who enjoys the ABG lifestyle. We live in a world of individual personalities, not archetypes. Which brings me back to Vivian. I’m sorry to say I’ve not met a lot of Vivians. Again, I grew up in the East Coast so I was pretty oblivious of the archetype until I came to Carnegie Mellon.
A consolation to anyone named Vivian: the name is pretty great. It’s one of the few English common names that does not have a biblical origin. It actually comes from Anglo-Norman. In many tellings of the King Arthur Legend, Vivian is the name of the Lady of the Lake who gives Excalibur to Arthur (See for reference: Monty Python and the Holy Grail). 8.5/10
Blythe
Another non-bibical name, this time derived from Old English. Merriam Webster defines “blithe” as “of a lighthearted character or disposition”, on the other hand it also defines it as “lacking due thought or consideration”. Perhaps the implications is that those with the given name “Blythe” are doomed to a sort of fatalistic optimism, an ability to wantonly pursue joy and pleasure, no matter the consequences.
I push back at this, because back in the days when English kings were named “Sweyn Forkbeard” and “Æthelred the Unready”, when ye olde English parents started naming their kids “Blythe”, it just meant “joy” (incidentally, another Asian diaspora name). For fitting in at both the H-Mart and the Renaissance Faire, Blythe gets my thumbs up. 8/10
Hannah/Erica/Mia/Naomi
I give you: the big four of given names for second generation Japanese Americans. Why is this the case? They are all easily written in Japanese. Hannah becomes Hana, meaning flower. Naomi and Erica both share the distinction of being given names and English and Japanese. What’s craziest about this fact is that they have separate origins in the West and in Japan, what a pleasant coincidence! I would be remiss without mentioning my sister, Eleanor, who goes by “Eriko” when she’s in Japanese-speaking contexts.
In all honesty, Mia and Maya should both be within this section. The American Ace Attorney localization team did their research when they were looking for names for the supposed Japanese American Fey sisters, as I am to understand it (don’t get me started on Ace Attorney lore).
I said from the outset that this list was biased, but here’s where it will really show. These names are great. Maybe it’s because I’ve known Japanese kids with these names since I was a kid, but I do appreciate their utility. It also helps that most people with these names are kind and very generous people. Overall, just a great set of names. 9/10
Iris
We, as a society, owe girls named Iris an apology. Don’t get me wrong, Iris is a great name, one of my favorites on this list. However, naming your kid Iris runs a big risk. At some point down the line, one of their suitors will get it in their head to send them a playlist. And the opener will inevitably be “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. It’s not going to end there. In all likelihood, every suitor thereafter will get the same idea in their head, think they’re so original, and send her another playlist opening with “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. It is estimated that by the time they are 25, most Irises, whether they like it or not, will know every single word to “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Iris is, of course, named after a purple flower. But is it actually? Turns out, that flower was named after a Greek goddess that traveled via rainbow. So that’s pretty damn cool. In conclusion, Iris is pretty sweet.
9.5/10
Eileen/Eunice
Eileen and Eunice are similar to Hannah/Mia/etc. because they are common western given names for Korean Americans. Unfortunately, I know nothing about whether there’s a connection to a Korean given name or if it’s easily written out in Korean. Pardon my ignorance.
To dwell a bit on Eunice, I don’t know many Eunices, but I do think it’s a great name that has a little bit of an older, dignified sound to it. My sister’s name is Eleanor, another name that was more popular in the early 20th century than it is now, and I like that name too. What’s true for both is this: it’s not just novel to name your child Eleanor or Eunice, because they are great sounding names and are valuable in and of themselves. If you couldn’t tell, Eunice gets high marks from me.
Now onto Eileen. Eileen unfortunately falls into the same playlist trap that Iris does. While I find Dexy’s Midnight Runners “Come on Eileen” to be an absolute banger, I’ve heard multiple testimonies from Eileens detailing their utter disdain for the song. I actually like “Come on Eileen” a lot, and if you're willing to prepare your child for what’s to come, by all means, give your kid this name. 7.5/10
Jennifer/Jenny
When I discussed this article on the phone with my mother we could name approximately 20 Asians named Jenny. The following is a comprehensive list.
Girls named Jenny Wang: 5
Girls named Jenny Kim: 5
Other: 10
It’s a pretty dope name. 7/10