i wrote this letter to my fbi agent
To my government assigned FBI agent who’s probably reading this as I write, I am so sorry. I truly apologize for making you endure my extremely questionable internet habits. Sometimes I listen to the same five songs on loop for a week. Remember that one time I listened to nothing but the How to Train Your Dragon theme song for a whole day? Yeah I wish I didn’t either. But you can’t deny, it was snubbed by the Oscars.
Or remember when I had to take my musical theater classes online so you were treated to weekly hourly sessions of me dancing my heart out to Broadway songs. The amount of times I pushed my laptop screen back with my feet must have treated you to innumerable unsavory angles of my dogs. I wonder if you ever have to turn a blind eye to some of my actions. Like when I sobbed hysterically when watching that kdrama episode on a pirating site where a bunch of grim reapers escorted a war veteran to the afterlife.
Or the time I had a Zoom date where we pirated Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery and shouted in joy when John Cena fought that ghost bear. Or the day I watched nearly 60 episodes of One Piece because of my hubby Trafalgar Law when I should’ve been counting duckweed.
I’m sorry for making you sit down in an uncomfortable chair for hours on end. For forcing
you to listen to The Blue Danube Waltz for the entirety of February 2021 in preparation for the
SATs. At least I got a decent score.
For making you look at thirst traps of James Cameron’s ten foot tall blue aliens when I should have been learning partial fractions. I still passed that class, even if it was by the skin of my teeth.
While I can’t guarantee that these habits will stop anytime soon, I will make an effort to limit my screen time. The eyestrain has been hitting me hard recently; I can’t imagine what your eyes must feel like if your whole job is to just look at a screen.
Oh, and that obsession that I developed during COVID that still persists to this day that I dare not put into words. Yeah, I have no words for that. I think Satan himself will be there to personally welcome him into my own corner of hell when my time comes. Even then, I don’t think that would be retribution for the torture I’ve put you through. I hope my digital footprint hasn’t left you emotional or physically scarred. I’m sorry I can’t provide you any monetary compensation that you are sorely deserving of.
